Good or Bad, I dont know myself

Haven't been writing much, very very long in fact. Many things have happened, in the police and all. Exciting and irritating, and my life is going down the slope. I have to admit I've been a little upset recently, and Amanda don't seem to be making it much better.

The thing now is, I have started talking to Crystal again, for those who have been with me all this while, this name must sound familiar. Been thinking alot about how perfect things were back then, and how everything just changed like that. Its pretty wonderful at those moments we talked about everything, and I guess I did let her know, I still think she's the perfect one.

It's pretty surprising that a girl like her is still single and unfortunately, through our conversation, its me she's still waiting for, despite knowing I am with Amanda. I am only typing it out cause Amanda cant see this, and I hope she never does, cause these things are deep down in my heart and I know i cant let her know.

Truthfully, I am still thinking bout Crystal all this while, not in the sense of being unfaithful, ok, maybe slightly, but yea, just thinking bout how much it changed me. Guess there really isnt a fairy tale. Its been a year, but those feelings really never faded. Maybe that's because we did not end it cause it turned sour, but we ended it because of the situation, we said we'd wait, she did, yet i did not.


Feeling like a jerk really, regretted not having talked to her earlier, maybe if we did, things might be back on track again, even now we're having so much fun talking, and i have to say, i feel like a couple with her more than with amanda. I am afraid I cant resist meeting her if I went back, and if I did, I know i'd never let it slip again.

I know its not right for me to do this, but instead of the photo with amanda i put in the office, I put the picture of crystal in the office, pretty, loving, all the memories and happiness behind it. I know it sounds crazy, and I think i am too this time. Its a wonder how a simple picture can still motivate me to endure everything after so long.


I know, if amanda doesnt change soon, I will shift back to crystal eventually, its already happening. Now i'm feeling guilty, but I guess Crystal is still the one i want to be with.


HEADACHEEEEEE!