Will this lead to a better future, or is this just my life

The following post might sound a little emotional, cause I am not really feeling all that happy I guess.

If you had a different childhood, a life that wasn't smooth, or you were just stuck somewhere in the middle, does it mean you would become a better person? Or maybe you would just keep sinking deeper, at least, that's what I believe would happen to me if i stayed in this country.

While it is true I have some close friends here, and I would hate to leave them. But I think the people who has something against me or looks down on me is probably much more here. Sour grapes isnt the worst. The worst are people who believes they know alot, people who thinks they know the world. 

Flew to Singapore despite our objections, got a citizenship despite our objections, and now forced to do National Service for a country I would NEVER protect, because, this is not where I belong.

Singaporeans, or at least many of them pisses me off so much, they really fucking do, cause they complain and they do nothing, they make stupid comments just because they arent doing the same or as well. Or simply just because they think that they know alot, arrogant bunch of bastards.

I tried so hard to maintain a positive mindset, but everything is making life so hard. I love school, I love my classmates, foreigners are really so much different. 

This isnt all, some of them loves to party and concentrates so much on social life, that anyone who does not like these activities are deemed uncool and they talk to them in this manner like they are inferior to them. I am cool with them, I leave them alone, but these guys seriously need to know theres alot more to life. Many of them just dont realise them.

Singaporeans are just too pampered arent they, or at least most of them, life planned out for them, their whole life is just controlled in every sense. Till now, I have only met one, that one person who has to think far beyond their own age like me, all for the sake for surviving. These people here are outcasted it seems, cause the rich stays with the rich as it is everywhere, and people suffering like me are left aside to die. But I will never let that happen, I believe I have the ability to do better than all these idiots.

It isnt fun to try act normal, I do, because I want to be happy, everyone wants to, but I have alot of burdens and obvious doubts about my future, it is true I got a chance to persue my degree, and I am determined to get what I want. But everything is at stake, I dont have a home of my own, neither does my family actually. I am hoping they will go back to HK, cause the life there is much better for us all. I can survive alone, I had, all my life, emotionally, physically. 

Its not that I have bad parents, it is just circumstances they brought me to this state. I have doubts, but I have my aims, and I am getting nearer to it. I want to get out of this place, I really do. I have lost so much here in Singapore, youth, time, opportunity, Or maybe I should begin to look at it another way, maybe its all just a test, I am breaking down, but I need to stand strong, cause i'm alone...

Good or Bad, I dont know myself

Haven't been writing much, very very long in fact. Many things have happened, in the police and all. Exciting and irritating, and my life is going down the slope. I have to admit I've been a little upset recently, and Amanda don't seem to be making it much better.

The thing now is, I have started talking to Crystal again, for those who have been with me all this while, this name must sound familiar. Been thinking alot about how perfect things were back then, and how everything just changed like that. Its pretty wonderful at those moments we talked about everything, and I guess I did let her know, I still think she's the perfect one.

It's pretty surprising that a girl like her is still single and unfortunately, through our conversation, its me she's still waiting for, despite knowing I am with Amanda. I am only typing it out cause Amanda cant see this, and I hope she never does, cause these things are deep down in my heart and I know i cant let her know.

Truthfully, I am still thinking bout Crystal all this while, not in the sense of being unfaithful, ok, maybe slightly, but yea, just thinking bout how much it changed me. Guess there really isnt a fairy tale. Its been a year, but those feelings really never faded. Maybe that's because we did not end it cause it turned sour, but we ended it because of the situation, we said we'd wait, she did, yet i did not.


Feeling like a jerk really, regretted not having talked to her earlier, maybe if we did, things might be back on track again, even now we're having so much fun talking, and i have to say, i feel like a couple with her more than with amanda. I am afraid I cant resist meeting her if I went back, and if I did, I know i'd never let it slip again.

I know its not right for me to do this, but instead of the photo with amanda i put in the office, I put the picture of crystal in the office, pretty, loving, all the memories and happiness behind it. I know it sounds crazy, and I think i am too this time. Its a wonder how a simple picture can still motivate me to endure everything after so long.


I know, if amanda doesnt change soon, I will shift back to crystal eventually, its already happening. Now i'm feeling guilty, but I guess Crystal is still the one i want to be with.


HEADACHEEEEEE!

Busy Busy Busy

OK! Lets start by last week, this particular event that made me realize that divisional police don't really have the best experiences. Whilst is true that they meet all kinds of people, like mums who calls the police because they refuse to do their homework. But you do meet people like Auntie Maggie. How so?

Lets go back in time, it was a Friday, and I had no school that day, so I went home early to rest, just when I was walking back into my sweet little estate, a Taxi and a Private car crashed into each other, it was minor, but the side of the private car had a huge make over. ( I heard the crash, brainless maggie was the one who saw it happened )

So, those two guys walked out of their car like how they all do it after an accident, looking at their reactions, I decided there were no injuries, but I decided to watch a little more before deciding what to do. Apparently they were just very engrossed in arguing, their cars were blocking this + junction and cars were all slowing and jammed. As you can refer to the diagram below. HAHA!


Anyway, I could hear them argue, they were very loud, the guy owning the private car was acting all superior to the taxi driver, but I don't think they were planning to call the police, their gestures were just really exaggerated, like their limbs were gonna detach and fly out. That was when i decided to step into the matter, not that I want to, but I have to because I'm liable to get charged if anyone found out, i mean likely not, but yea, not to take that risk that it breaks into a fight.


When I approached, I identified myself, to save the trouble, I decided I would call the police first, after asking them if they have done so. So I roughly asked them about the incident, Nosey Maggie came in without knowing my role in this matter, and started pin pointing and all about who's fault and who's fault and all, she was making things so difficult seriously. So I told her I will ask them one by one first to understand the matter before the uniformed guys arrived.


This is where it gets funny, she told me 'I don't know why you are here, its better if we don't stick our nose into this matter', after that she turned and wanted to walk away, of course, I stopped her and identified myself to this nosy bystander.


For this, only those who knows how maggie looks like will find it funny i guess, she opened her eyes so wide her eyeballs would roll out and her jaw kinda dropped. Maybe i scared her, but i made her a witness and retained her. Its so fun looking at her stuck in this situation.

The police came, they took over the matter, auntie maggie could not go home and peace returned to the world. Thank you !

HAHA!

Oh my, so damn long, maybe I'll post the other story tomorrow. CIAO CIAO!

Havent really added much recently, don't really know what I really want now. Work, those kind of hours are really not my cup of tea. It is true it can get exciting once in a while, but in the end, you know very well it is not what you wanted.


School has been going quite smooth, and probably because its the first few lessons, I totally hate chem, but i want to do well. Not because i'm competitive, but because alot is at stake. I really dont have the determination, and i really need to find a way to concentrate.


At the moment, i'm having a negotiation, and I dont know how this sounds to people, but I'm really really pissed at the moment, at this moment in time, 10 32 on the 4th of May. Not pissing all over my pants, but pissed off real bad.


Though I said I would try to stay away from writing about all the shit in my life, but I'd make this an acception. I don't know how other people do it, but I try to make time for everything, despite work, despite school I will try to make some time for those who means something to me. May it be a simple dinner, lunch, or even taking leave and all. Cause to me, these people are more important than school and work.

I'm not saying that its not important, it is very important, infact, i give it top priority, but its these people that makes life better, no matter how you look at things, you cant always be happy. Of course, unless you have no expectations of any sort, nothing in life that you're trying to change.


I'm tired too, but I just keep going at it, I'm persistent. Maybe a lack of discipline, and a lack of interest for most things probably. At this point, my irritating/anger has gone down a little bit. And I guess I made a mistake somewhere, whoever who came into my mind when i felt irritated isn't the person to turn to, infact, by smsing that person, i'm irritating that person too. I'm freaking selfish seriously.



Oh well, i hope things will make a turn for the better, i'll probably turn in early today, I hate growing up, the older you get, the more unhappy things become.

Shifting my attention abit probably

So, about her, we havent talked still, but i hope this is temporary, and i doubt she, would be smart enough to understand what i'm doing, she's lost, as always. So i decided to try it out, the same way it worked on me. Just that it didnt quite end up the same way. But i'm glad it seems to be working.

Of course, I dont know if she even read that message, cause I really think theres some sort of misunderstanding.


About my own girlfriend, she just came back from her holidays, I have to say the 'reunion' part wasn't exactly what I had in mind. That short break really changed nothing, or infact, could have made it worst for my expectations and things I look for in girls.


Anyways, I guess i should shift my attention to something else, most of these stuff cant be helped. School is starting tomorrow, I've missed out alot, I know i have, but i chose to go this way. Work, study, i wonder what kind of combination is this? , whatever it is, i'll be the one conquering it, if my girlfriend isnt going to put much attention on me, and instead on everything else. So can I. Its not revenge, its just to balance nature. You know, the ying and yang thing, predators and prey, yup, I'm going to take matters into my own hands.




Ok, Mum's calling for dinner, time to go!!! I'll be a fat happy boy.

It wasn't really that bad afterall!

Apart from the fact that I've just stopped talking to someone that meant quite a great deal to me, not in the I like you, you like me kinda nonsense,it was rather different, but I guess its easy to take it the wrong way.Yes!, APART FROM THAT, things this year was rather entertaining so far.


Now, I am probably one of those people who thinks NS is a waste of time, I mean those who doesn't has converted into the service anyway. But I do guess I got into a rather special posting, and my NS life has, in a way been spiced up. I'm with the elites man!!


Its funny how they do things sometimes, you don't get to flash your card, identify yourself, smile and give a warm' Hi, you're under arrest' everywhere. Or in fact, you wont see this happen anywhere else but from the posting I've got.


Violent locks to the wall, shouting and pinning people down legally, all in the name of justice, I mean yes, those were necessary force we had to use sometimes, but after it all when you think of it at the end of the day, that adrenaline rush is not something you get often.


Carrying a piece of iron on the legs isnt exactly the most enjoyable thing on earth, i have to admit, it makes you feel closer to nature and earth, oh yes it does. At the same time you're afraid that piece of metal goes crazy and next thing you know you're limping around . But I believe if you treat it well it'd treat you well. I dont wish to pull it out any time soon either. What sucked the most was that it comes loose once in a while and adjusting it will only cause a hell of an mess.



Don't have much time today, this is my first post in a long time. Today was hell crazy, and I'm tired, though I guess at the end of the day I still hope things could have been ok and we could still be talking.Though I doubt it would happen.... Anyways!, Peace to all !!!